New start

It's almost been a year of none post's , I'm sorry for not blogging , things got out of hand as of october , in my last post i speak about him , and he is still in my life . My life has become a roller coaster of complete disasters , happiness , lust , lies , confusion , cheating , love , drugs , alcohol , sex and loss . He has my heart in the palm of his hands , he doesn't want it , he just holds it for when he needs me , i'm his puppet , i'm the sad little red head who fell for the druggie . I'm better then this is what i try and tell myself every morning , but the minute i open my eyes he is the first thought that passes through my head , all i wanna do i be with him , but with the months past i know it won't happen , he's too shallow , i'm not scared to say i'm a bigger girl , i'm 195 lbs , thats huge but whatever i'll deal with myself , because he can't apparently . Our relationship consist of friendship , lust , lies . I get so mad at him and he gets annoyed by me , we both know how to push each others buttons , how to pull on a certain emotion and how to push or pull away or close . At this point id rather be used by him then not have him in my life , i care for him so much it hurts , i cry myself to sleep , my lyrics broken and tornd up words written up from his sense towards me . Now i've moved out fo pickford , also known as the party house , I've moved to a new place , where i can get my head back on , since we last wrote to each other i don't work for bell anymore , i worked for the store in rideau named trivium for 2 months and was let go . now im jobless , heartless and starting my new beginning . never regret something that once made you smile .