that should never be repeated

Alright , so i went camping But before we start on that , friday night , the boys came over to hang , quite the fun time , i got a mini tomato thrown at me , Pokemon cards , crayons , and almost any inanimate object he could find. He also ran upstairs , me not trusting his intentions followed , and he started throwing my hair brush at me , and then wanted to bring my boxes that i haven't unpacked yet into my face , if i didn't stop spraying him with my vanilla body spray , and the poke war started , as per usual , some things won't ever change . While all this is happening , me thinking i have the house to myself once again this shall be an amazing night , think again , mama bird came home early from camping due to the fact she didn't want to sleep in the wilderness . So the boys run upstairs and we grab everything and hide for a few minutes only to run back down and out the door , go for a mini car ride , i get dropped off and i pack for camping . The next morning Kaitlin and i are up and running early due to being told we were leaving around 9 am , but only to leave around noon , very excited us kinda downed up by then . the car is so packed that Kaitlin and i in the backseat are stuffed with things , my legs were sweating due to all the things stuffed between them . We finally make it to the trailer park , only to find NO CELLPHONE SERVICE WHATSOEVER , we all lost our minds within hours of arrival , so we decide to go into the town and get lunch and more booze , 2 2.6's of jagger , 2.6of sky vodka , 2.6 of captain Morgans rum , 40 of absolute vodka , a 24 pack of corona , a 12 pack of smirnoff twisted vodka coolers , and 12 pack of bud light lime , one heck of an amazing weekend was about to be embarked, but sadly nothing was being done , bugs were too much and 2 of us just wanted our cell phone reception and our beds , and after the massive storm , sunday was gloomy and rained , so we packed our stuff and headed to Alexis's moms place to drink the night away . First drink sunday afternoon , 4:30.... by 10pm i was so waisted i couldn't taste the vodka of my drink Pierson and i were sharing our drink and i poured 3/4's of vodka and the rest monster , it taste so nasty he said but i was so drunk i couldn't taste it . the night was amazing , until we had to go sleep , i got kicked out of our room due to the fact that i'm apparently a massive flirt and shit , so i went to Pierson's room and chilled , we both were dying but survived , we also promised each other never to drink again , that won't happen but for Piersons sake it will be sober me for a long time , i paid for my drunkenness this morning thats for sure.

window closing upon my knuckle

What an eventful day , yesterday went to shoppers cause big chances are i'm working there next week!!!! but someone isn't to happy about that , yesterday i found out i was being clingy again , which seems to happen every few months i don't notice it but he does and it irritates him , so i tend to back off for a while , but some truth came out also , he was expecting me to stop talking to him and kinda disappear when i left/moved , i don't think i was expecting that , it hurt , I'm not lying when i say i cried so much that it exhausted me and i passed out , i threw my cellphone batterie across the bedroom so that nothing would get to me , i woke up crying , all night all i could think of , is one of the most important people in my life decided it be better if i wasn't in his life , I'm destroyed , lost and confused . why can't things ever try and go well , even good , but no . My amazing day with Alicya my best friend , chelsea and Garfitt the tall boy of my life all the happiness i was feeling was crumbled in a parking lot , not on the phone , but by Goddamn text messages , this boy has done a lot of damage since october , when things started , but i never thought he could be so heartless , i actually thought i meant something to him , i was wrong. I'm about to cry again , my eyes are burning , and my heart is aching , all i want to do i see him and talk this fucked up moment over , but i was being clingy to his eyes so the last persons name he wants to see across his phone screen . the song bitter taste by 3days grace ," betrayed , disgraced , you've been erased " keeps playing in my head , i can't stop the hurt , the pain , the tears , i feel so weak , i need to escape myself . a few months or weeks ago , suicide came back into play , does that worry me , yes , at this point the option is staring back at me smiling , my hand has inched closer to its , i'm almost ready to just tie up and jump and stop this suffocation , and created the real deal to escape , disappear , and stop all this.... who knows what me the irrational crazy fucked up one might do.

That should never happen again

What a night , drunk texting my lovely brad , NOT , i think i died this morning reading my half asleep replies and his drunk ones , they are tfln worthy . Also tomorrow is The Summer Slaughter Tour !!!! Excitement in the air , yes mesdames et messieurs ! The black Dahlia Murder, White Chapel , As Blood Runs Black , Within The Ruins , Dying Fetus (LOL) , Six Feet Under , Darkest hour , ect ... going to be a kick ass concert if you ask me ! When i get back home , I'm having a girls night with Nae !! so excited for that and on friday night i leave for 4 days with Kaitlin, Alexis and Ashleigh for some drunk fest in Eganville , which is a place I've never heard nor been to ! Smile for the camera this is one week not to forget. Also last night it made me miss them 2 boys of mine , texting them t'ill 3am sure did my night , but back to reality i need to go finish my laundry until my next chapter .

in the end its not about what you have

The sun is starting to make me mad , i'm wide awake near 6 am everyday due to the missing curtains in my new bedroom , i'm too short to set them up with the poles myself and the boys seem to think it's funny so they won't help me , damn them . Also waking up to a drunk brad text , made things even better , 9 am and still drunk he's special , i miss him , he's one of the best people i've ever met in my life , he's also one of my best friends , irreplaceable , sad thing his best guy friend and roommate is you know , that guy, makes my head spin at times . like last night i was in need to just talk , and he decided it be the time ti ignore me again , sent him a mad text and funny he sent hi , sad thing i was happy . Nonetheless this week is packed , wens i have The Summer Slaughter Tour , with THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER !!! very pumped , get back to ottawa thursday to have a all time sleepover with Nae , and friday i leave again ... tho I'm thinking of coming back on monday ? we shall see. Now on other news Charlie is growing fast he's already a 2 hand holder and getting fluffier if thats even possible , i'm a happy momma !! now i'm off to destroy someone and listening to woe is me for 19 days straight i win . well i've listened to them since jan , but i mean i listen none stop to just them . I'm quite the specimen

Maby I've got nothing to loose

We're saturday , and all i can think about is how maybe i fucked up my life so bad that the only thing i look forward to is seeing your name across my phones screen . I miss talking with you , our late night car rides , maybe i'm a shot in the dark . It actually takes everything out of me not to text you every few minutes and be like what the fuck is wrong with you talk to me! But I'm not like that , and you already hate the i text you everyday because you can't grow the balls to do it yourself . Moving away has made me think about how things were and they were fun , but in the end i always wanted more , i wanted you to look at me and say that you love me , i wanted you to tell me what i wanted to hear , i wanted you to kiss me and tell me you would miss me , but you didn't , instead it was a see you later wink . The picture I've painted in my head about you is wrong , your just a boy , your not the guy i fell for , and unfortunately probably never will be , i lied to myself and tried to let myself pretend i didn't want you , but i do , it kills my heart to know you just like the fun. But for now i'll accept the fun and pretend I'm not dying inside every time we leave each other or you plain out ignore a text , it might destroy me , you might be the destroyer , but you also are the one who's brought me back this happiness i thought id never see again . On other things , my kitten formally known as Pawpers is now named Charlie , thanks to my fajah , but all in all my little fluff ball is happy , and pouncing like theres no tomorrow , i love him to death , it's insane how a little thing like that can bring you so much happiness .

New start

It's almost been a year of none post's , I'm sorry for not blogging , things got out of hand as of october , in my last post i speak about him , and he is still in my life . My life has become a roller coaster of complete disasters , happiness , lust , lies , confusion , cheating , love , drugs , alcohol , sex and loss . He has my heart in the palm of his hands , he doesn't want it , he just holds it for when he needs me , i'm his puppet , i'm the sad little red head who fell for the druggie . I'm better then this is what i try and tell myself every morning , but the minute i open my eyes he is the first thought that passes through my head , all i wanna do i be with him , but with the months past i know it won't happen , he's too shallow , i'm not scared to say i'm a bigger girl , i'm 195 lbs , thats huge but whatever i'll deal with myself , because he can't apparently . Our relationship consist of friendship , lust , lies . I get so mad at him and he gets annoyed by me , we both know how to push each others buttons , how to pull on a certain emotion and how to push or pull away or close . At this point id rather be used by him then not have him in my life , i care for him so much it hurts , i cry myself to sleep , my lyrics broken and tornd up words written up from his sense towards me . Now i've moved out fo pickford , also known as the party house , I've moved to a new place , where i can get my head back on , since we last wrote to each other i don't work for bell anymore , i worked for the store in rideau named trivium for 2 months and was let go . now im jobless , heartless and starting my new beginning . never regret something that once made you smile .